She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
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Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
oh shit
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
There is wisdom there.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
My plans: 2020:
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates