She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
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You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?