as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
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Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
🤣🤣🤣
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
This is sending me to another galaxy
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.