Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
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(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Why font matters.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.