“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
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Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I love wikipedia
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Sponch
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.