“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
You Might Also Like
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane