Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
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[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them