She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
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This bar smells like my childhood.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.