She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
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If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Squirrels before girls.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.