She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
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if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.