“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
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Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Bring back the McRib
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!