She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
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If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.