She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
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Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
This woman is my idol. Free her.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.