“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
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Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
How your email finds me
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.