Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
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My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Denise please return my vape pen
still the best tweet of the year by far
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
6: are snakes just neck?
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean