She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
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I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?