She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
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If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
The “baby” on the left….
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.