Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
You Might Also Like
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”