she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
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Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?