She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
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Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Lucky old June.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Good morning!
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited