Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
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[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
The Sun’s probably Asian.