roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
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ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi