@PoguePhilosophy: I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.

@shawnspree: It's not sex until you walk away with a nose bleed, and the Eye Of The Tiger song is still playing in your head.

@Faux_Ma: At my job interview today the Boss said, "You're shaking, don't be so nervous." So I told him, "Oh, I'm not nervous, I'm an alcoholic."

@P_o_n_k: FRIEND: Is something wrong? ME: Listen...[trying to sweeten the blow]...I think we should put sugar in this cocaine

@Donnie_Fairburn: DNA doesn't make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does