@NervousJr: Based on how many times I've dropped my phone, I'm gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.

@virtualhippie: Being high in front of your parents is like trying to do your best impression of yourself.

@decentbirthday: [camping] me: why can't i find any animals wife: the wildlife is very conservative here deer: climate change is a myth

@joe_binkley: I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say "I don't think you're ready."

@jctwritesstuff: *watching The Revenant* *rewind* *play* *rewind* *play* *rewind* *play* Him: What are you doing? Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.