it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
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Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Festive toon…
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Where’s my employee discount too?
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC