[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
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Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart