Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
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That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
I can fix him.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days