“Sheer Arrogance”
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My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling