[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
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WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
wow he looks just like him
A couple who are silly together stay together.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.