She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
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If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
My dog learned how to text
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Lmao
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
won’t smith
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.