I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
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Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Seems kinda suspicious
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
This woman is my idol. Free her.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.