I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
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Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
My friend is an excellent librarian.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.