lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
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Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes