So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
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40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
What the dentist sees
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
oh you wanna fight?!
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.