processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
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found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.