If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
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My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
work smarter, not harder
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.