i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
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Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way