*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
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It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then