@imdaintyaf: Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I'm immortal.
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@DwayneDavidPaul: Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people's revolution.
@michaelianblack: Any celebrities who are thinking of dying soon, please befriend me so I can relate a moving and humorous anecdote when you pass.
@David_Ingram: Just bought a sandwich in San Francisco. Handed over a $20 bill. Cashier to his coworker: "How do I accept cash?"