Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
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MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
“That’s what” – She
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it