[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
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*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
constantly working on myself.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.