Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
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The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy