Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
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Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
reminder
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.