Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
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My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are