A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
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Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.