In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
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Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.