@samalmightysam: Shockingly Pitbull's first name isn't Feat.
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@LoriGallucci: "Mommy does Barbie come with Ken?" "No sweetie, Barbie comes with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken"
@murrman5: [furious with son] wife: what happened? me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish [son from room] yolo isn't spanish me: ya see
@erikbransteen: Future Headline: “Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies, Hillary Caught Using Friend's Netflix Password Undecideds Still On The Fence”
@KalvinMacleod: [high school] ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here