My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
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When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
found this cool rock hiking today
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*