Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
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Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Support your local cemetery
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.