Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
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*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Overindulged this afternoon.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Weirdly Wednesday.