*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
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I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters