[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
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Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Siri, fight Alexa.
this makes me so uncomfortable
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.