It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
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*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up