[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
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Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself